So I want to explain you why I stopped
shaving and how it’s helped me socially and personally. I want to talk about
transcending the flirt and I hope that maybe by the end of this video you will
be better connected with your own priorities. I’m so tired of shooting this
video. I have an itch here. I just want to shave this off so this might not be
perfect, but here we go. First, get a good look. Get a real good look. Let’s show you my hair… And you see my unibrow as well? Can you see that?
Let’s just put up a photo. That’s good. Alright anyway folks. This is Part 1. The
other parts will come out later in my spiritual journey… probably. And I’m not
like a self-help guru or anything, but maybe I can pass on some things that I’m
learning, which is the purpose of this channel. Alright, so a few months ago I
stopped combing my hair and stopped shaving. I also stopped hollering. I did
it because I wanted to change… something. And the way I was was fine; I was confident,
cool, whatever. The problem was what I wanted and how it affected how I felt
and how I spent my time and energy. I wanted to be able to pull any woman.
Hearing “I like you” felt awesome. “I love you” felt like the ultimate
success. Some of you may think that your chase is about sex. For me, it was “I love
you.” In any case, I think we’re all wrong I think it’s actually about validation:
the feeling of self-worth when a person chooses you to fill their emotional
romantic sexual spot. And the more attractive that person, is the better!
Because now it’s a person with options choosing you above everyone else
to fill that coveted one-seater in their heart, mind, and groin. So, let me tell you
about the consequences of this for me. When I saw a beautiful woman, I wasn’t
really seeing a person, but an untapped source of validation. “If I could pull her,
how awesome would I feel ?” The fact that it was untapped and seemed
untappable could be stressful. “Shit, I don’t know that I could pull her.
And if I can’t, I’m less than the guy who can.” And also, I’d worry about whether
a woman I couldn’t imagine myself being happy with in the long run was gonna
text me back. And hanging out with only guys was boring to me when compared to the
thrill of flirting. Of “will she won’t she,” of “can I can’t I.” And I think that for
a lot of you that it may be more true than maybe you care to admit. That maybe you don’t even like to have ugly friend girls, you know? Or ugly friends because
that takes out maybe the the fun of chasing the beautiful person. So, let me
tell you what I wanted to want. I wanted to not be so got damn thirsty. I wanted to
focus on meaningful relationships. I wanted to focus on meaningful
relationships and get the most out of them rather than be distracted by
sexiness and seduction. I wanted to just be myself – feel comfortable just
being me without any agenda. I wanted to not feel frustrated when rejected. I wanted to not
spend oodles of money on things designed just to make me more attractive.
Like how much money have you spent on shoes or clothes or thought about pickup
lines or getting a table at a club? You don’t get a table at a club so that
you and your friends can have a bit of privacy. You spend all that money to
attract the validation of your preferred sex. Well, that’s what I think. That’s what I
was doing. A friend of mine said that of course you
need to look nice in order to capture your possible your soulmates attention.
Okay, yeah. But if I don’t look nice and I don’t capture her attention, do I lose my
chance? If so, you’re saying that this is a person I see only once? Well, I see a lot
of people once. So should I approach each one that is attractive or spend all
this money and time in case the right person sees me in the street and
approaches me and we get married and live happily ever after even though
most of us meet our partners in classes, at work, through mutual friends, or
online anyway ? And let’s say that you meet someone attractive on the street.
You and that person immediately employ seduction techniques, which cause you
both to enjoy yourselves until several dates or several years of marriage later
you realize you don’t actually have enough in common. And I did that. I mean, I walked
up to girls on the street and asked them to coffee or a drink or some– something…
and sometimes they’d agree. Sidenote. I should note that approaching
women like that is a gross abuse of my privilege and the current state of
gender education. But also, on a personal level, what a waste of time it was. What’s
worse is that our society pushes this goal of being attractive, but doesn’t
actually respect it all that much. Even if you’re super sexy and social and get
all kinds of likes on your Instagram, people are gonna go “Okay?? But what have
they achieved? What do they know? Do they got money?” Okay, so I’m not saying that
society’s priorities are necessarily right, but it’s funny how little
attractiveness is actually valued compared to how much it’s encouraged.
And it’s totally natural. It’s deep in our biology to flaunt for our preferred sex.
Because sex tends to mean reproduction. So those people whose genes focus them
on romantic pursuits are those people whose genes survived. Alright so how did
I rise above this piece of my genetic code? Last year, three Israelis helped me
do it. The first is a longtime friend of mine who we’ll call “Oasis.” She has
repeatedly shamed me for all the women I would have in my life. And then I read a
book (that had nothing to do with any of this but it’s excellent) by the author by
the Israeli author Yuval Noah Harari. It’s called “A Brief History of Humankind,” and it– and as a side note, it talks about
one of the principles of Buddhism: that suffering is caused by wanting and by
reducing our wants we can reduce our suffering. And then one night, while I’m
reading this, I see this beautiful Israelite at this bar. We’ll call her
“Shush.” And my friendgirl and I end up going back to her and her friend’s hotel
room. And at this point in my life, playing truth or dare with three
beautiful women still felt like living the dream. And it wasn’t until the next
day that they invited me to lunch that it would all click deep in my soul. Here
I am, eating a free meal with 2 gorgeous honeys… …who say nothing significant
except that– [censored to keep us focused] land.” A perspective that they consider indisputable. It’s like “What am I doing??” I went from needing to get beautiful
women, but knowing it was stupid to feeling deep in my soul that it was a
frivolous pursuit. And this girl was gorgeous. And I’m
sitting there thinking “Now what? “I’m not getting any closer to anything
that I actually feel is worthwhile. “I’m doing it all just to feed the need of my ego.” -But it wasn’t just about the way
they were acting and the things
they were saying. -It was about how you acted around them. I mean, I wa s never ever so disappointed in you in my life. -Like when we were playing Truth or Dare with them. Yeah.
-And… Yeah I was in– I was in flirt mode.
I wasn’t really being myself. I was just being what I thought
th ey wanted me to act like… and… yeah. So why wasn’t it just “lesson learned” and I
changed my ways? Why stop shaving? I needed to make it as difficult as
possible to fall back into old habits and desires. I needed to make it so if
one night I saw a beautiful girl and felt temptation (which I have as recently
as yesterday), I’d be forced to take a step back. I needed to expose myself to
rejection as much as possible. Not even from her directly, externally, with actual
experience. Just internally. To look at a woman whose validation I would love to
have and immediately realize I wouldn’t get it. And be okay with that. So over the
following month I stopped shaving, I stopped Tindering, I stopped going to
bars for women… In fact I now love just hanging out with friends. Guys! Guys I
just met. I’ll see a beautifully made up woman walking down the street and even
if I feel some sexual urge… I simultaneously feel the “now what?” that
I’d feel after winning her over. It’s empty. It’s an empty, compulsive pursuit,
and I finally, deeply understand that. I don’t feel like less when I’m rejected.
When a woman rejects me, I know she wasn’t Her. And my ego has begun rewiring
itself. I find validation elsewhere, like in my professional or academic
accomplishments– if not internally. Just plain old self love I honestly feel
above the stupid romantic rat race. So maybe– so what’s next? So
maybe you don’t know what she’ll be like. Well, I recommend… Figure it out.
And know that she will love you. I think that’s another thing that has
helped me. As much of a scientist as I am, one belief I’m happy not to shake is
that She and I will be together. I don’t think I’m gonna die alone. I don’t think
you’re gonna die alone. So love yourself and do things that matter so when she
comes along, She’ll see that. Not a pickup line or a fancy pair of shoes you saw in
an advert. You. Do you. Love you. And He or She will, too. That’s what I think I figured
out… but it took looking like this, letting myself gain weight, and so on to
really take the lesson. Maybe it’ll be a valuable lesson for you. I hope so.
Anyway I need to shave this off. I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready. Sex scene. I’m not ready. OH NO!