How Breakfast Cereal Mascots Brainwashed You | After Hours

Now I don’t which is worse; the fact that they think kids only respond to animals and stealing- Shut up. -or the fact that they’re probably right. Dan! I really don’t want to talk about it here. I mean, what, did General Mills do a bunch of studies to demonstrate what kids are going to respond to? And if they did do polls, what I- Ha! They did polls! I can feel your breath on my wiener. Was anyone concerned that kids are really that- There’s a no talking policy in the restroom! Oh! There we go. Okay, go. -retarded? Did you-? Uh-huh. I can understand one cereal company recycling the same campaign, but three? Trix, Lucky Charms, Golden Crisps, Fruity and Cocoa Pebbles, Golden Crisps; all have mascots that are either stealing food, or keeping other people from stealing it. That’s more cereals than I knew there were. And the worst part is, it worked. I eat Cocoa Pebbles. Of course you do, they’ve had you by the short hairs since you were six. You can’t say that to a girl. Sugar cereal have created this amoral world, full of mascots, where deceit, underhandedness, and staying a step ahead of the other guy is rewarded with dessert for breakfast. It’s like The Wire, except everyone is Omar. It’s a lawless universe. You never seen Fred Flintstone chiseling out a police report against Barney. Or the Trix rabbit losing his innocence in prison. Despite the fact that nothing would make me want Trix more. And that poor leprechaun spends his entire time hiding his cereal from those thieving children. (Thieving Children) Catch Lucky!
(Lucky) They’re after me Lucky Charms! They wrap him up in a blanket, steal his food, and then make him watch as they eat it. They make him watch! And the poor, stupid bastard has no legal recourse. Cookie Crisp cop! He is an astoundingly bad cop. That cereal-stealing crook gets out all the goddamn time. I wouldn’t even want to go to him. Or maybe, he knows he can’t go to the authorities. But the authorities are our friends! If someone was stealing your crack, would you really go to the cops about it? I don’t do crack, and no. I would kill them, as a symbol to the others. Okay, maybe not crack, but I’ll bet little Soren would do quite a bit to get his hands on a big bag of Marshmallow Mateys. Did you just reference a regional brand of bag cereal? Cereal comes in bags? My point is, they know that shit’s more than 50% sugar, they know they can’t win the vitamins and minerals war, so they sling it as drugs instead. Okay, Tony the Tiger. Way into sports, and super huge, even for a jungle cat. Plus his balls are so small their invisible. Kids have one bite of his cereal, they’re popping off home runs in little league. I couldn’t get it past second base in little league. You’d think if Tony was a roider he’d maul more children. Sunny, and Coco Puffs? Anyone so much as mentions the name, and the guy blows roofs off of houses. It’s basically just meth and milk. Honey Smacks! Unapologetic. It’s in the goddamn name. In the world of sugar cereal, you’re either a pusher like Tony, a user like Lucky, or strung-out junkie like the Trix rabbit, looking for your next fix. Frankenberry and Count Chocula are the saddest users ever. They spend all their time trying to steal each other’s guests and all they really want is someone to eat their cereal with. “Got milk? Well, do you? Do you have milk?! Because I will suck your dicks for milk!” That is the harrowing world of addiction, by friends. I know, I had a thing with Ecto-cooler. I think you’re giving the cereal companies too much credit. Accusing them of pushing drugs on kids is too much credit? They’re just too lazy to come up with a new idea. I mean at this point they’re just testing the system to see how much stupidity they can get away with. Kids don’t notice ‘cause they’re idiots. I have a little bit more faith in the next generation. Just take the names of the cereals. Rice Krispies, with a “K”, Froot Loops, spelled F-R-O-O-T, Trix, with an “X”, Alpha-bits… Okay, even the cereal that’s supposed to teach you how to spell, has a messed up spelling. They’re contributing to illiteracy. Worse than that, and they treat kids like puppies, completely dependent on their senses. Instead of saying “Find the box of Froot Loops on the shelf at the store” they say something like “Follow your nose!” or “Listen for the snap, crackle and pop!” like those sounds even mean anything. Apple Jacks don’t even taste like apples. You see what we let them get away with? Those kids make Mikey eat all that Life, ‘cause he was too stupid to know any better. To the cereal companies, we’re all Mikey. And we like it. Didn’t Mikey explode after mixing pop rocks and coke? No, he grew up to do porn. You’re both right. (Katie) No no no, that was Ralphie, from A Christmas Story. He actually hung himself in a closet with a belt. (Daniel) Oh, you’re thinking of Jonathan Brandis. (Katie) I usually am.

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