I’m happy you’re here. How are you feeling?
-It’s so good to be back. I feel great.
-Yeah. -I feel — You know what?
I feel great, but can I just —
Can I get right into something that’s been on my mind lately?
-Sure, of course. -I’m 47, Jimmy. And — Can I call you “Jimmy”?
-I hope so, yeah. -Well, I know you as Fallon,
for years. -I guess so. Yeah, Fallon. -Okay. But, Jimmy —
-Yeah. -Call me “Dane,” by the way.
-Okay, good, perfect. -At 47, and just, like,
very recently, I just — I started —
I feel like I’m losing my looks. -No.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that thing
will happen to me sometimes where I’ll wake up
in the morning, and I’m excited and I’m ready.
But my face is like, “Hey, I’m going to sleep
for like another hour.” -Okay, I got you.
-Right? And, like, I’m walking around
like a Shar-Pei for like 40 minutes. I look like Gary Oldman
in “Bram Stoker’s Dracula.” I just kind of get up,
and I’m like — I’m trying to, like, massage
life into my face — for like 40 minutes here.
-Massage life into your face. -And it’s weird. Like,
weird things are happening. Like, this nipple stays hard
all the time. -Okay, that’s interesting.
-I don’t know. -That’s something you should see
a doctor — -And then I get scared.
The penis — I can say “penis,” right?
-Sure. I mean, you just did. Yeah. You’re scared of it? -I’m scared because it —
Sometimes — I’m fine. I’m okay. [ Laughter ]
But every once in a while, it — You know the scene
in, like, the boxing movie where the hero boxer
gets knocked out, and everyone’s freaked out?
That’s kind of — I have those moments
where I’m like, “Come on, baby. Come on, get up.”
[ Laughter ] “Get up! Don’t do this to me!
Breathe, baby, come on!” -Come on, champ.
-“No, get up! One more.” And then it gets up,
but it kinds of gets up like the boxer in those movies.
Right? It’s like — [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -Your girlfriend must love that. [ Laughter ] I met her backstage.
Very nice, by the way. -Yeah, she’s wonderful.
We get a little — We’ve been together for a bit.
I love her. I’m in love. It’s not funny, but I’m in love.
[ Audience “aww”s ] Yeah. Oh, that’s really sweet.
Thank you. The thing about love is it’s not
good for comedy, you know? -No.
-It’s — There’s not a lot of — You know, when you say, like, “Oh, I just have a great,
compassionate relationship, and we have communication.” Where people get a little bit
persnickety sometimes with the relationship,
is I’m 47, she’s 20. -Oh.
[ Light laughter ] -Oh, thank you, that was — [ Laughter ] That was the best laugh
of approval I’ve ever heard. [ Laughter ] Here’s the thing about it, and I’m just going to say this,
so that I can say that — You know, I know she’s backstage
and stuff. I look at her,
she’s the kindest, sweetest — I love her. And you know what?
Every once in a while, I think to myself, “Man, I don’t
even deserve this kind of girl.” And then once in a while, I’ll
say to myself, “You know what? Where have you been
all my life?” And then I realize she wasn’t alive
for the first 28 years of it. [ Laughter ] -We starred in a comedy
together years ago. -We really did. -How long have you been
doing this? 30 years? -29 — Yeah, 30 years next year. -Wow.
-What about you? -I think it’s almost the same.
I was with you. We were, like,
in the same class. -We were always, like, on gigs
passing each other. It was either like, “Oh,
we just had Fallon last week,” or, “He’s coming in after.” So
we kind of were always like — -I would always see
your headshots on the comedy club walls.
-Yeah. Headshots. You know, the pictures
that we use early in our career. There’s a few interesting ones
floating around for sure. -I found a couple. [ Laughter ] You got to just
walk me through this. Dude, this is awesome. What was going on with this guy? [ Laughter ] What are you doing? Who is this? -What isn’t going on
with this guy? -What is he — What is going on?
Was that a move that you did? -I — First of all, did I just
come out of a genie lamp? [ Laughter ] -Oh, my gosh. -I’m granting wishes.
I’m wearing a Casio watch. -I mean — What?
I love it, though. That’s — You look like
you’re in a boy band. -And then — Look at my — Look at that hair.
Oh, my goodness. That hair should have come
with a breeze constantly. I just needed, like — Wow.
-No, here’s — This one is my favorite one. -Oh, no.
-I don’t even remember this one. This one I just found.
-What did they — Oh, okay. -Look at this one.
-Ooh. [ Laughter ] -It says, “Don’t follow
your dreams. Run with them.” [ Laughter ] What — What inspired you? Did someone
make you do that? I mean — -I think that was on
like a “Bazooka Joe” comic or something, and I was like —
But that is — -But I love —
That’s your comedy headshot? -That was my —
That was my comedy headshot. I got right out shower and went
right to the photo shoot. Yikes. Lot of tank tops
back then. -Found one of my — my early —
My early headshot. -That’s right. I said,
“If you’re going to do this, then we should maybe –”
-Make it even? Fair? Here’s my first headshot. Doesn’t that just scream — [ Laughter ] Doesn’t that scream funny? It looks like I’m lost, like this should be
on a milk carton somewhere. -You look —
-“Have you seen this boy?” -You look like
the first guy in “Dateline” that they make you think
is going to be the killer. But he’s ultimately just
a good guy in the neighborhood. -Why would I do this?
Why would I — -I don’t know!
Why wouldn’t we do this? -That’s not funny at all.
-Why would I do this? -Why would we do this? We became this.
[ Laughter ] But look at you, buddy.
You’re back on tour again. What —
-Feels great. -This is your 10th tour? -Honestly, it just — It feels
like it’s just been nonstop. It’s been just an amazing
undergoing this year. -You did Radio City
about a month ago. and sold that out. How did that feel?
That’s got to feel great. -You know, many nights
walking by there, you know, New York gigs,
and you’d always look up and see that marquee.
-Legendary. -And, you know, I remember
one night just being out there and having that moment,
I’d look up. And I remember a homeless guy
like 10 feet away from me was, like, crapping in his hand.
And it was just — -Wow, beautiful moment —
Beautiful memory. -It brings back so much. -But you got to go
on the marquee. I love this story, ’cause it makes —
-Oh, yeah. -Here’s you standing
on the marquee. -Yeah.
-Pointing at your name, and that’s a great moment
right there. But then, tell everyone
what happened when this photo was taken.
-They were, like, cool enough to ask me if I want to come out
and take a picture up there, which, of course,
I was blown away by that. I was so moved.
And then I went out there, and I’m standing on the
Radio City Music Hall marquee. You know? And I’m having
this dream come true moment. And I see all the people kind of
gathering and taking pictures. And the tallest guy
on the corner looked up at me. And when I looked down,
he goes, “Who the hell are you?” [ Laughter ] -Take you right back down
to normal. Yeah, he went, “Hello.
You remember this guy, right?” [ Laughs ]
Buddy, I love having you on. -Thanks, man.
-Dane Cook. For ticket information
for “Tell It Like It Is,” go to danecook.com.